Jesper's Posts

Crowds

Today I wanna talk about crowds as I would say it is one of my weaknesses as it really can make me feel uncomfortable very quickly. First I will talk about what happens to me when I am in crowds as there are 2 types for me.. 2nd I want to tell how I can beat it to a certain extent.

Type 1 indoor

This type is probably the worst thing you can do to me, place me in a room full of people that is all talking and the room is too tiny for us to be there. I have tried it a few times over the years and every time I start feeling nausea like if I have taking a rollercoaster one time to many afterwards I gets a bit of headache and then I start not being able to handle myself or focus on what I am supposed to do in the room and if too long I have lost all my energy. The longest I have stayed was during a meal. I recently tried it when I was at Le Mans when we was going to eat lunch inside a tent but there was too many people. I also tried to see if I could handle myself inside a mall on Black Friday but got sick in less than 15mins even I knew my goals before entering.

Type 2 outdoor

This type on the other hand in no big deal for me so as long there is air for me to breath I am alright. Of course I still prefer less people compared to many but I can handle it.

How to beat it?

It is very easy for me to beat it these days as now I know why I am getting sick so I can just go outside most of the times, but if I cannot do that I can pick up my noise cancelling headphones and play some music in my ears so I can focus on what I should do instead of becoming messed up. Of course that prevents people for interacting with me but it is either that or I am leaving.

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Bad situation feeling and being left out

Before I start today post I will like to say sorry that I have not been posting for almost a month but the days just took each other but will try to make people happy once more and I hope to return to posting again. Anyway today I will covering 2 things, “Bad situation feeling” and “being left out”, an Asperger’s often feel or rather do so in my mind.

Bad situation feeling

Bad situation feelings is maybe not a term that seems normal for an NT but to me, Asperger’s, it means a lot because it means that I am bad at knowing what to do in a situation.

Example 1

If I am walking down the street and I see a man who is almost dropping a package he is walking with, I would maybe not react even it would seem normal to do so. I would rather mind my own business and walk past him like nothing happen. I ‘know’ this is wrong but still if you do not tell me you need my help I would not think about it. But if you want my help, then just tell me and I will do almost everything you ask me to as long it is legal and so on.

Example 2

A woman is standing up in a train but she is clearly pregnant. We do not have to go over that I ‘know’ it is wrong but unless I am told by the woman to give up my seat I would not do it.

WHY?

Well I do not always see the full picture when doing things and if people do not open their mouth I do not see the problem so I will just think you have decided to do it your way. I am getting better at it and please understand I do not mind helping people at all. And for the record about the pregnant woman, I have been told not to ask if a woman is pregnant so I am never going to do that so OPEN YOUR MOUTH if you want me to do something.

Being left out

This one I am not experiencing often anymore as people that know me are kind to me and we are having good time so I only have a maybe half example because I understand what is going on even it hurts a bit.

Example 1

I am seating in a full train on the way to work. The train is so full that people are sometimes standing in the walk path making it impossible to get in or out of the train. I feel left out or hurt if people do not seat next to me. It makes me feel like I am some bad person that no one wants to seat next to.

WHY?

I do not know why people do that but I know you do it to other people as well so not only me which is why I said it was a half example. Maybe someone can explain it to me in the comments. I am mostly fine by it these days but still a bit weird to be the only one without a seating partner.

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Spoon theory

Today I wanna talk about spoon theory, don’t remember where I learned about it but thanks to the creator it is really helpful for me and I felt I needed to share it with the world

In case anyone want a short post about spoon theory then it is a way to explain how much energy you have each day and how much each event costs to you.

12 spoons

The first thing to know about spoon theory is that on a normal / good day I have 12 spoons to complete the day and they all depends on how good my sleep was… if it was bad I can lose some meaning I might have only 10 spoons that day. I can sometimes borrow some from the day after but I rarely do it as that means I have less for the day after and don’t want that.

List of events and spoon costs

  • Work = 6 spoons
  • Scouts = 1 spoon
  • Boulders = 1 spoon
  • Friends / Family = 1 spoon
  • Cleaning day = 5 spoons
  • Brain routine = 1 spoon

As you can see, depending on how much I do that, it cost more… nothing is ever free but something cost so little it doesn’t count. An important thing to remember about the number of spoons things costs. It is only when things goes smoothly if things goes bad, I suddenly use much more spoons.

A normal day

On a normal day I do everything to make things only cost me 10 spoons as I never know when things goes wrong and suddenly cost more. An example could be that my train was cancelled so I had to travel in a more full train so normally it doesn’t bother me to take train but because of the changes it suddenly cost me 1 spoon.

  • Wake up & morning routine = 1/2 spoon
  • Transport to/from work = 0 spoons
  • Work with a single meeting = 6 spoons
  • Transport to/from scouts = 0 spoons
  • Scouts = 2 spoons
  • Evening routine = 1/2 spoons
  • Brain routine = 1 spoon

That is how my Monday looks if anything is good meaning I have 2 spare spoons.

Help

If you have a friend or family member with Asperger’s or autism it might be helpful for the person to use this to make you understand how their energy is used. I am doing good at normal things but other people might need to use a spoon for something as simple as taking shoes on so respect that people might need more energy than you.

Thanks for listening and I really hope some of you can use it

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Being overwhelmed

Today I want to talk about being overwhelmed and how it effects me. I don’t know how this works 100% so don’t know if there are different types so this is how I experience it. I will start by telling so stories about it and then try to to explain what happens to me and how I think I can prevent it.

Story 1

The first time I was really overwhelmed with thoughts was back when I was going to have my first new boss. The work place I am working had been under the same boss for almost the whole time it had existed and even that we felt we was a separate company my boss still had someone to report to. Because of the way my position was I was directly under the boss who was getting replaced because he didn’t want to be a boss anymore. The overwhelming started as my coworkers and the boss wanted one of my coworkers as the new boss but the people that my old boss reported to didn’t and that made the entire office really bad mood and everybody was very negative and angry about it. Which left me scared about how things would change and so on. Things got worse and worse almost daily and I lost the good mood I had and the like. We got a new boss who was a man from the outside and the only thing take prevented me from going nuts on his first day was that he had forgotten his lunch so he had to join me and a few others to the cafeteria and he showed he was a normal person like the rest of us.

Story 2

The second story I want to tell is not done yet as we are still moving to a new office building but this time I am more happy and better at seeing what I want to see than being hit by group pressure. So I am sure this will happen become good again like last time but I did have some flashbacks from the boss episode. It didn’t help that people was used to big office with small numbers while the new office is smaller rooms and bigger groups people. I got a bit lost again but one week I didn’t go to work Wednesday where my coworkers had a meeting and it was a crazy change from bad to good over the day off.

What happens

When I get overwhelmed I become:

  • Focused on negative things
  • Lose my head
  • Gets annoyed
  • Loses my good mood

I guess most are self explanatory so ask if you need help to understand them

How to prevent it

I am not sure how to prevent it other than try to look at the positives things and talk to people about the things that they are annoyed about so miss understanding doesn’t happen

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Asperger’s in movies & series Part 2

I did this a few months ago about movies with Asperger’s and now I have seen or head some new movies and series about people with Asperger’s so wanted to make a sequel.

I used to be famous

The movie is about a man (Vince) who used to be part of a boy band in his younger years and since then he has lost everything so he trying to get a new chance in music. One day he meets Stevie who is autistic and they cannot talk to each other at first and Stevie mom is very protective. Vince sees Stevie as his chance to enter the music again but on the same time he still trying to get over the death of his brother. Go watch it as it is on Netflix if you want to see a Vince maybe get his redemption and music contract. I like it because it shows that mother’s can be too protective of their kids.

Mary and Max

I have not seen this movie so cannot say what it is about but was told about it and read a bit about and after I read that it is about a 44 year old and a 8 year old who writes letters to each other. I feel so connect to the movie as I am using a app called slowly which is a letter app where you send mails to each other but you do not know the person in the other, other than they share plus the father the person is away from you the longer it take to reach the person and hopefully a letter back. The other reason I am felling connect is because I feel I have a better connection with kids and older people than those at my age.

Somebody

The series Somebody is a Korean series about a woman (Kim Sum) who has created a dating app when suddenly a man uses it to start killing people. The police wants the company to track him but they, they cannot and Kim Sum starts getting feelings for the guy because he is similar to her. It is a bit rough at times but I feel it does a great job at showing that even that Asperger’s might be made from gens it is also how your environment is. I would not go as far as saying I would do some of the things in the series but I have been bullied and teased a lot doing my child hood and because no one

Conclusion

Guess I just wanted to show that again there is plenty of movies and series with features people with all kinds disabilities and everything else so there is plenty to watch if you want to learn about people like me or others who might need a bit more help than you expected.

P.s the covers are all from IMDB

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10 things I hate as an Aspie

Today Ria gave me the idea to publish 10 things I hate as an Aspie and I have decide not to make them order as I do not feel they have an order except for the first one

  • I hate or rather feel hurt that some people would rather have an chance that their kids died than having Asperger’s/ autism because they have the idea that vaccines gives it when it certainly does not
  • I hate that some people sees us as a difficult group people just because a few of us is need more help than what a normal person does
  • I hate that some people sees us as one type of people and do not understand that we are just as different as you and your sister or brother.
  • I hate that some people believes we fake it just to get attention and extra stuff like money and let me answer you right away the last thing I want is attention, I hate to be in the spotlight so if I could be normal or at least avoid people attention because of my different ways of acting I would love it.
  • I hate I was bullied as a child and that no one tried to help me or at least explained to me it was bad so I did not do it myself
  • I hate that people expect me to be around people all the time to be happy, I do not mind to be at home or go for a holiday on my own.
  • I hate discussions because I might see things a bit black and white even I know the world is not
  • I hate phone calls as they are unexpected and I fear that I am disturbing the person in the other end as I cannot see what they are doing
  • I hate that people expect me to remember their names or known their age as my memory do not remember names it does not use often and as for age, I cannot see it other than you are a child, young or old so please stop make me guess
  • I hate that people gets annoyed on me for being blunt or not sounding happy or sad enough at the right time.
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Asperger’s and special interests

Today I would like to tell you about special interests which is a thing, people with Asperger’s often have. It might sound like having normal interest in things but in my opinion I would say it is not similar so I have made a little comparing here before I will talk about it. I am not sure if all Asperger’s will agree with me but like I said it is my opinion and feeling about it. For the record at the moment and for a long time my special interest has been China.

No.NT interestAsperger’s “Special” interest
1.Can learn new things about itOften learns something and then does not care if right or wrong
2.Can talk about other thingsReally wants to talk about it and often cannot stop
3.Can have more than one interestOften only one at the time but can change over time
4.Can ‘snap out’ of itSometimes we get so focused we forget time and place
5.Covers a ‘whole’ areaCan be very specific

Lets start with number 1. row. I often feel that if I have learned something in my special interest I cannot just change the ‘facts’ about it even that something new tells me otherwise but I have had different subjects as special interest over the years so is now more open to new facts and it does not ruin my mood or other things about the subject. I feel the 2. row gives itself meaning but to clear up any miss understanding I feel if I get started on my favorite subject it is sometimes hard for me to stop again and together with 4. I feel it is often hard to not focus on even we might be hungry and everything. Row 3. first of all it is not entire clear but I feel Asperger’s can have interests which are not special interest like NT’s but I feel it is needed to say that it is not the same. As like I already said, it is a bit more than just being interested. As for row 5 it means that if a NT is interested in cars then maybe the Asperger’s special interest version can be that he like a certain brand or maybe even deeper a certain car part like the breaks. It is a bit like watching a movie, Asperger’s see the details but NT see the whole movie.

As you can see it can be very different and of course I am not saying that NT’s cannot be really interested in a certain subject as well.

Story time

To end this post I would like to tell a short story about my special interest back when I did not know I had Asperger’s or knew about special interest for that matter. The story starts in primary school in 5. grade. My danish language teacher at the time presented me for the idea which was a booklet where you was allowed to write down everything you wanted from plant to the animal kingdom and everything else. My special interest back then was space so wrote a lot about it, actually I wrote so much that my danish teacher wanted me to write something else so she banned me from writing it. But since I was so interested in it I could not just stop myself from writing more but I was not stupid as I did not want her to punish me, so I created some pages I called the ‘naughty’ pages and inside them I wrote everything I wanted about space that I wanted. Time went on and one day my teacher of course caught me but because of my funny work-around she could not stop laughing even she wanted to be a bit angry at me and instead she gave up and allowed me to write even more about space.

Before I go I want to remind you all that you can ask any question you want answered and the easiest way is here or comment below

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Questions from Ria Part 1

Here are some questions that Ria (Neurotypical) wants me Jesper (Asperger’s) to answer, maybe more will come.

1. What makes you feel hard to interact with neurotypical?

Answer: I often find it hard to know what the person want from me fx if a person is hurt sometimes I need to know if they just want the bandage or if they want a hug instead if that sense. (I know now but it was the only example I could think of) I also find it hard when no subject is given from the start.

1.1 Why?

Answer: I do no know why.

2. If you can reborn, you choose to still have aspergers or not?

Answer: Yes.

2.1 Why?

Answer: Because Asperger’s is how I am and I am sure that many of the things I have done I would not have done if I did not have Asperger’s.

3. Do you think your family fully support you as family member that has Asperger?

Answer: Yes I feel like they all support me.

3.1 How do they help n support you?

Answer: Help me with things I need help with, cannot come closer to that… maybe answering my stupid questions.

3.2 Is there any problems happen in family because of your Asperger?

Answer: Not that I know of.

3.3 Do your parents treat you differently?

Answer: Not that I know of, but I think they sometimes blame themselves a bit about that they did not noticed I was getting bullied and such before it was too late.

4. What you wish from neurotypical to understand about you as an aspie?

Answer: That we are not rude on purpose, sometimes we just speak the thing we find most obvious in the situation.

5. Do you want a cure?

Answer: Nope.

5.1 Why?

Answer: Because Asperger’s is how I am and I am sure that many of the things I have done I would not have done if I did not have Asperger’s plus I do not hurt anyone so why change me.

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Sleep cycle is an awesome app

Today I have almost used Sleep cycle for 2 months and it really gave me a new light on my sleep and how it affects me. The past days I have been so tired and without energy and I can see in the app that it is because I did stupid things to my sleep like going to be at random times and not just jumping out of bed at a certain time. I do not have much else to say other than I highly recommend it or some way else of measure your sleep as it is truly a superpower to get a good sleep. I cannot wait for my new bed to arrive next Wednesday so I can get a new start on my sleep.

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I am the alien in this world

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

I walk miles on this earth
I speak languages on this earth
I breathe air on this earth
I live my life on this earth

But… I do not understand
I do not understand you
I do not understand me
I do not understand anything

Are we created or born on this earth?
Are we feeling or painless on this earth?
Are we alone or together on this earth?
Are we walking or flying on this earth?

But… I do not understand
I do not understand you
I do not understand me
I do not understand anything

I speak the same as you but I do not understand
I walk the same as you but I do not understand
I eat the same as you but I do not understand
I feel the same as you but I do not understand

But… I do not understand
I do not understand you
I do not understand me
I do not understand anything

I am the alien in this world
I want to scream loudly
I am the alien in this world
I want to run away
I am the alien in this world
I want to touch you
I am the alien in this world
I want to love you
I… I… I… am the alien in a world where no one really care for anyone and only lives for money and fame
I… I… I… AM THE ALIEN IN THIS WORLD

Written by Jesper Christiansen, 20 Oktober 2021