1.02 AM Oct 10th. I got message notification. I checked on my phone. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Thats you. A message from you saying happy birthday. I could see it from home screen. I cant lie. I was so happy. I was so nervous. “Open it now or later?” I asked myself.
I spent a few days thinking if you would remember my birthday or not. And i prepared my heart for possibility that you might not send me any birthday message. Maybe you were busy, or you forgot.
You were the second people that sent birthday wishes to me after my family.

Your message :
Happy Birthday Ria…I didn’t think this is where we would be on your birthday.

Ya … exactly. I agreed with that. It is unexpected. Speechless.

I thought, on my birthday , i would already get a job. Then i would treat you and Bee to eat in Cheesecake Factory with money that i make. You know, i always love their cheesecake and also rice with salmon that Bee ordered last time we were there. Oh and i love their shrimp and their Korean cauliflower too. I also wanted the birthday cheesecake like what you got on your birthday. And i would remind you to order classic cheese burger that you like. 

That was my expectation. Yes, i would be far away from my family on my birthday. But i thought , get hugs and kisses from you and Bee would make my heart full too. Blow the candle and make a wish surrounded by you and Bee, that would be wonderful. Until one day finally i could go home and celebrate with my family.

Last year i remember i spent my birthday in a tattoo studio with Bee and my Mom.  You sent me email : “Happy Birthday Ria Anggraeni Kusuma.” Because that time we fought. We broke up for a while. So we didn’t talk. That happened after we spent 2 wonderful weeks in Bali. Thats why i really wanted to spend this 37th birthday with you and Bee.

But … God has different plan. Maybe this birthday is the saddest birthday i ever had in my life. I feel there is hole in my heart. I feel grateful for my birthday but also can’t hide my sadness. There is no you beside me. And i also think about things that happened lately. It is so hard to not having tears.

In my life, i always prepare birthday for people that i love and care. Birthday is very important. Because when you remember someone’s birthday, they usually feel so happy and important. Feel appreciated.  “Oh someone remember my birthday. So i feel loved, i am not alone.”
Ironically, in my life, most of the time i prepared my own birthday. When i was kid, my Mom always bought beautiful cake for me and my siblings. Thank you Mama. But when we grew up, she didnt do it anymore. We spent birthday with our friends and girlfriend/boyfriend. I remember i got surprise once in my life. Prepared by my ex boyfriend. It was my 21st birthday. He made our friends gathered in my house. He worked together with my Mom and sister. They turned off the lamp and waited for me to come home and surprise …. !

In 2020, i remember i ordered cactus shaped birthday cake, i love cactus a lot btw, and the baker asked me. “You order cake for yourself? Because your name is Ria and this cake for Ria.”
I felt ashamed that time and i didnt want her to feel pity for me. So i said “oh no. That’s for my family. Her name is same like my name.”
I felt guilty. But she believed me because i ordered some birthday cakes for my family also from her. But her statement really slapped me. I felt lonely and alone that time, felt like useless and not special.

I have so much love in my heart to share. But i got only little in return. Sometimes i feel sad. But i do believe God’s love always enough for me. ❤️

09.47 pm. Oct 10th. I got message again. From you. I hadnt responded your birthday messages before because i still felt dilemma.
” I’m sorry I wasn’t the husband you wanted.  I know I made a lot of mistakes.  I just want you and Bee to be happy.  That’s all I want.  I wish you love and happiness.  I wish you all the best. “

Again. I cant lie. Got text from my husband made me smile and happy. Especially he sounded nice, didnt blame me like he usually did lately …
Oh i need to explain, i still call you my husband, because when i write this letter, i dont know if the divorce already official or not yet. I heard it will take like 60 days. So maybe early November. I dont think i am wrong to still call you my husband. But if you already date someone else, i would like to apologize to you and your new girlfriend.

I read again and again your message. I really wanna tell you and ask you.
Who said that you werent husband that i wanted ?
How did you get that idea?

I chose you because i loved you. There was no pressure. I came to KS, i took care of my visa because i wanted to. We decided to get married, i was so excited to prepare our wedding. We chose the date, a special day, Valentine’s day. We worked together to cook our foods for the wedding. You worked hard with Bee to make that beautiful wedding arbor. We  made the decorations in church. All of the preparation, from the gown, suits, souvenirs, rings, cake and etc, we did it together. We were nervous. But i do believe, we did it with love.
I am sorry i ran over your wedding ring. It wasnt our fault but UPS driver’s fault.

I remember how you were feeling annoyed because you melted plastic spoon in food warmer and you were busy to clean it when i arrived at church after put make up. You forgot that i already told you a day before, be careful to not melt that plastic spoon. Ohhh no… So many funny and fun things happened on that day and days before. I need to make special post for that. They are good things to remember. For me at least …

I still remember. That day, Feb 14th. I made promise in front of God, you, Bee, pastor and congregations. Our wedding vow. Maybe it was around 5.15 pm when i said it.
When we had rehearsal, i had difficulties to repeat after pastor to say wedding vow. But i prayed to God, please give me ability so i could do it well. And God really helped me. I could say wedding vow well and i also held your hands, i looked at your eyes and i smiled. I said it and i meant it with all of my heart. I failed my marriage once and i always had thought, if i ever get married again, i would make it my last marriage. Because i dont wanna do same mistake again. Marriage is sacred for me. Thats not just between me and my husband but also God, family, congregations and many more. I married you because of love. Pure and sincere love. And i wanted it till death do us part. For better or for worse. Happy and sad. Healthy or sick.
If you really love someone, although there are 1000 reasons to leave, you only need 1 reason to stay.

Now, i also want to admit my mistakes. I often said about divorce when we were together. But none of them i said it from my heart. I never wanted to divorce you. It was pure because i felt mad, sad and doubted your love. If i could travel back in time, i would never say divorce word. Because i love you.

If you werent someone that i wanted, i wouldnt leave everything in Indonesia to come to see you. All of the sacrifices, depression, homesick feeling, pain, sick and etc i faced that for you, for us and our marriage.

So, how could you say you weren’t the husband that i wanted? It is just silly statement.
Yeah ok, one of reasons i love you because you are silly, just like me.

Now after i went to jail and we separated for 1 month and 11 days. I realized, being separated from you isnt something that i want. You are wrong if you think live without you gonna make me happy. I lost my half heart. I feel empty. Maybe you dont love me as much as i love you. Maybe you just use me as your escape. As validation that you are worth it because someone wanna be your wife. But i love you from the deepest of my heart. No hidden motive. No bad intention. I accept you as who you are. My love for you is about giving. Not about taking.

You told me that you wish me all the best, you wish me love and happiness. But i dont know how to get happiness again, because you arent beside me anymore. Hi readers, if you have partner, please love your partner, take care of them, dont take them for granted, cherish every moment you have with them. Be nice and patient. Slow to angry. Easy to forgive. Please kiss them now. Make sure you dont experience what i experience. I only can stare at my pictures with my husband.

If you remember, in the beginning when we werent dating yet, i told you about a guy, that i really loved but so sad because i met him when he already had partner. So i let him go because i didnt wanna hurt his partner and i would like to sacrifice for their happiness. You even said “he loves you ria, fight for him, bla bla bla” but i told you. NO. Love is not a true love when you need to hurt other people just to be with someone you love.
You know, my pain that time losing him, turned out nothing compared to my pain losing you now. For a couple years i believed that he was someone that i really loved. But now i know, you are the one. My love for him not as big as my love for you.
Even compared to my ex husband. When i got divorced from him, it was easier. Because there was no love in my heart anymore. But now, go through divorce with someone i still love, it feels like constantly pain in my heart and yes painful.

People around me always tell me ” Ria let him go, he doesnt love you, he always hurt you. He already did so many things that very mean and unacceptable. He use you. Bla bla bla.” 

People around you, also say the same things. “Divorce her. Let her rotten in jail. She has bad motive and bad intention to you. She is mean. She is so sick. She doesnt know to say thanks. You better get older woman, bla bla bla.”

But let me ask you, are you sure they all know about our feelings? About your feelings. My feelings. About our problems.
The only people that know about us are only you and me. Because this is our story. I dont believe my people’s judgement about you, because i know you better than them. You know me well, more than your people.

Do they know, when you feel alone? When in the middle of the night you often woke up, had nightmare, then you talked to me, or hugged me, to feel better, or when your body was shaking because of nightmare, i touched you, rubbed you and said it is ok honey. I am here. And after that you usually came back to sleep.

These are many things that i miss from our marriage. I know you told Bee, our memories are just things from past time. But with you, i feel comfort and i can be myself around you. I miss my husband that i can kiss and hug anytime i want. I like your taste of humor.  I can sleep and snoring next to you ( did you feel annoyed because of my snoring? )

People, included your siblings and kids, they dont know your demons. They dont know your traumas. I was the one that lived with you everyday. Slept with you everyday. You showed me real you. You revealed your mask and be yourself without being afraid of judgement.

People just like to gossip. To be nosy. To get involved. They need something to make them feel excited because living in rural area is too plain and boring. I think they actually dont really care about you. They wanna things from you. They just hear things they wanna hear and they just believe things they wanna believe. And i told you. They dont like me even before i arrived here. And you saw how they treated me, far from nice, although i tried to be nice to them.
Lets see by the time pass, how many of them that will still care about you genuinely?

Oh world. Why is it so hard to believe that 36 y.o woman can fall in love sincerely to a 70 y.o guy? I am the living proof. Even if this story would end just like this. At least i proved that true love is real and love has no age.

But like Bible said : Romans 12:14
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”

So i always pray for people that hurt me. I forgive them. I hope they are happy and satisfied because i already went to jail, and you already filed the divorce to me.

You were husband that i wanted.
I never wanted a husband, until i met you. I told you i am single and happy. You told me that i need a husband to help me with things that usually included in husband’s jobs. You told me that i need a husband to help me to raise Bee.

When later i could go to Bali (Indonesia), i would remember you because everything there remind me of you. About the house projects that we planned to do it together. Electric line, tiles, paint, aircon and etc. Now i guess i need to do that by myself …

When i walk on the beach, and see people celebrate their wedding i would remember our plan, that we would celebrate our wedding with my family in Bali.
I wanted you to meet my brother and sister, my nephews, my friends, even my gardener in Bali that like chainsaw like you.
When i visit places that i wanted to show you, i guess i would picture you walk next to me or i would whisper i wish you were here with me.

I remember my Mom told me to keep cupcake from our wedding and our wedding souvenir, so we could bring it for her and my family, because they really wanted to be part of our wedding.
I remember you kept the top part of our wedding cake , so we could eat it on our first wedding anniversary … i wanted to celebrate our wedding anniversary …
I remember Reni, gave me preach when she typed our wedding vow and liturgy. She told me to take care of this marriage.
I remember my Mom always prayed for us, even until now, after everything that happened, you know, she is still praying for you.

It is so hard to just bury things that you expected and hoped to do with your partner that you love. It is hard to lose your partner when you still love them and you both are still alive and healthy.

Marriage needs to work 2 ways. I cant continue this marriage if only me that want it. Beside that, when your partner wants something from you, because you love them, what you try to do? To give what they want, right?
You want the divorce. I didnt want it, i was struggling with breaking God’s law again. But i just surrender now. God gave you to me. If He wants you back, i need to just obey Him.

So be free my husband. Get things that you want. Live your life like the way you want it. Be happy, so i can feel happy too when i see you feel happy.
Although i cant hug you, but my prayers and God will always hug and protect you.
I enter a new phase to love without posses, to love with prayers. To love without asking anything in return.

I wanna give you appreciation. You had many good sides also as husband.
Thank you for your kindness to me and Bee.
Thank you for washing the dishes when i was cooking.
Thank you for taking me to Mayo Clinic. It made me have new hope for my tumor.
Thank you for your silly jokes.
Thank you for every effort that you made to make me happy.
Thank you for watching movies with me and Bee in cinema, bringing us to eat out, eating ice cream, making trip to Asian market, playing scrabble and many many more. I cant mention it one by one.

I dont hate you because of things that happened. With you, i experienced love and feelings that i never had before.
You made me feel comfy. You made me feel needed by you (i miss to trim your beard and brush your hair that soft like baby hair. I miss our pillow talk and atv ride with you to the pasture. I miss to hug your belly).

I know your pain. You dont like to be alone. Because of your trauma and demons. Because of many hurtful events that happened in your life. Thats why i told you, “i wanna be with you till death do us part. You can die in my arm. I will hug you so you dont die alone.” (Natural death. I never have intention to hurt you at all). I wish i could help you but now i know it is God’s part to work on you and this is your own battle to defeat your demons. Because i or anyone else cant change you if you dont want.

If i didnt love you, i wouldnt forgive you after all of the disasters that happened in my life.
I have soft heart for you, i dont know why but i cant hate you even after i went to jail. You look strong outside but you are fragile inside. You have soft heart too.

If you find (or already found) new woman, i would be happy for you. I learn, to love means to let someone we love to be happy and it doesnt mean to be with us.
What i can do is let you go. So you can choose your own happiness and be happy. I choose to love you with prayers.

I am sorry my love isnt enough for you. I am sorry i wasnt a good wife for you. If i could come back in time, i would be a better wife. Maybe our story could be nicer than this.

Highest level of love is to let go of people that you love. Not that you dont love them anymore. But love is making them free to choose what they want. Not possess them. If they dont choose you anymore, let them to find their own happiness. Convert your love to prayers for them.

Letting go is not the same as giving up or not love them anymore. The love still there.

If you love something or someone so much, let them go, if they come back to you, they were meant to be. If they dont, they never were. (Albert Schweitzer)

If they love you, they will always choose you again. Love will always find its way.